When I first think about thorns I think of being inconvenienced and what I need to do to get them under control. I can question my existence relative to the situation (thorn) and God’s hand in it all. As if I was never meant to bruise. Something in this world made it easy to forget the convenience of God’s purpose in my life- of my purpose in God’s plan. And when I became responsible enough to make choices…I gave it permission.

I gave away a lot of what I thought was mine to give away and gave the wrong things power.

 Proverbs 27:20 Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are human eyes.

Because I gave the wrong things power, at times my perception of God’s standard and plan may be skewed. But isn’t that the human flaw? Pride. Arrogance. Control. The life of a disciple is giving it back to God. All that is His like Jesus did.

There are many things (thorns) I can complain about. But I won’t. Or will at least try not to. (I’m still sinful)

Philippians 2:14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing.

By complaining and grumbling it’s as if I’m saying I don’t appreciate the fruit God is producing in me. Or when I am fruitful because of the lessons learned from these thorns, I can think it’s there because of me (pride). It makes sense why some lessons I have to learn multiple times.

Dependent: relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.

In so many ways I’ve independently put myself in situations where thorns grew because of me. Then there are situations where thorns grew because of happenstance. Considering pride, arrogance, and control, I at one point saw fit that I have to clean up my own messes; be my own independent, and be my one and only love.

I can struggle with wanting to be perfect and not making mistakes. I can be insecure and anxious. I can be fearful when there is no need to be. I can lack faith or tend to be double minded. I can be guarded. Disobedient in evangelism. The point is, there are so many things I can work on but I can’t do everything at once. I wasn’t built to. None of us were.

But God can.

All I have to do is exist in the moment & acknowledge him.

All you have to do is exist in the moment & acknowledge him.

Near dependent acknowledges I’ll never be perfect or be totally where I want to be in my walk. Near, acknowledges the closeness I NEED to have with God. This takes the emphasis off the situation and potential justification for actions that don’t bring me near to God.

I can’t depend on me. I can only fail, I will fail, I have failed, and will probably fail again. What I can’t do is drive myself crazy. It’s too easy to do. When I choose to be independent it’s like going back to eat what got me sick in the first place. The vicious circle of stubbornness doesn’t feel good.

To step away from the victim mentality, into healthy…I thank God he wants all of my mess. His character deserves what he asks for. Not just because what he can do with it but because who he is-is faithful.

I so bad want my heart to stay soft for God. When my heart is hardened I hurt myself, God, and others. I worry and struggle and put myself through unnecessary thoughts. I want to be buried near the cross. Near dependent. I’m not meant to I can’t handle me driving me crazy.