V9. All my longings lie open before you, Lord, my sighing is not hidden from you.
Desire: to wish or long for, crave, want
There was once a time when desires weren’t on my radar. I’m not sure when they hid. I wanted to say they died. But do they really? Or do they change or get replaced with different desires? When I think about being a child I think about having desires, hopes, dreams, and big ones at that.
And then I learned not to play with fire, or touch anything on the stove because it’s hot and I could get burned. But life has a lot of stoves. Spilled tea even. And it hurts. When this happens, skin cells get damaged and they scurry to heal the damaged area. And when the hurt area heals, it may or may not look the same. The skin may change in texture, color, but it’s still there to serve its purpose nonetheless.
Could my desires have hidden, died, changed, been replaced? I’m sure I’ve played with fire, touched stoves, spilled hot tea, and have been involved in some casualties as well.
Without God, anything I thought and tried to do on my own was a form of self-medication that was bound to fail. Even though I have scars, I remember the scars, I’ve been healed. Because of God, because of Jesus, I’ve been healed. I have grown. I can see some victories for what they are when before I could see none. I’ve been places and grown in ways I would have never imagined. It’s a joyous feeling. Because even when I fail, my joy still remains. Because even when I don’t have what others do, my joy still remains. Because even when I’m not where I want to be, my joy still remains. And Jesus is still Lord.
Because God has created me, and shown me, I realize I desire. At first it sounded so wrong, so foreign, so momentous to even try to acknowledge or grasp. “What is God trying to do?”, I wondered. Didn’t I say “Jesus is Lord?” Didn’t I accept when you told me no? I mean come on, I’m not into romantic movies and never been into fairy tales. No one ruined Christmas, or the tooth fairy for me. I only believed in you. I believe in the testimony you gave me. I know where you brought me from. You made me trust you when I thought I couldn’t.
And then you show me my desires. This had to be your plan all along. To hope and desire in you the right way. Once upon a time it was easier, my sighing was not hidden before you. But I get it. I didn’t fear you, I feared consequences.
I see who I am in you. I see what I am because of you. I see what I have because of you. As you allow me to see more of me in these ways, I get why Jesus drank the cup. I see why Jesus said yes even when he hurt. He could have called 10 thousand angels! But he only called out to you. He trusted you. He gave you everything that he could. Because you gave it to him first. He always had it.
Because of Jesus I know it’s okay to hope and desire in you. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of the joy I didn’t know was possibly hidden, dead, changed, or replaced, or simply not a part of your plan. These desires are not a hot stove, spilled tea, or even a casualty. You have a plan that will advance your gospel. Love is your plan.
1 John 4:18-19 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
If any of these desires are to come to fruition, I need to see and allow you to love me. And wholeheartedly believe in your desire to love me.
V15. Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.
The Pharisees worshipped God with their lips and their hearts were far from him. They performed deeds to look put together on the outside but they were like whitewash tombs on the inside (Matthew 23:27).
I don’t want to be like the Pharisees who observed parts of the law they agreed with. It’s too easy to allow God to help me grow in conflict, sharing my faith, serving, etc. But what would make me different from the Pharisees if I only observed those parts and allowed God to be God and not allow myself to experience the full measure of his love for me through the desires he’s created me to have? Nothing.
Show me the way, lead me…
I trust you…