Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

[Unravel: to free from complication or difficulty; make plain or clear; solve]

I’m unraveling and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just frustrating when I’m trying to articulate my feelings in an intellectual way when I don’t even know what I’m feeling in the first place. I don’t know where to start, what more to feel, or even if I have the capacity to figure it out.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a mess, like I should have it together, like the fact that I unravel shouldn’t be exposed. It’s that vulnerability that keeps happening. Whether I like it or not, I’m made from a cloth that is meant to fade, tear, unravel and yet still shine, and wear like I’m brand new.

Ephesians 4:22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on your new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

There’s something bothering me and spiritually, I have a responsibility to figure it out – I want to. If I ignore it, only God knows where I could end up mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I don’t want to be lazy about my well-being. I know God speaks to us in many ways and sometimes the pull or nagging feeling I have in my heart I think is God’s way of exposing more of myself to me. What’s crazy is that Satan knows something is bothering me too (Ex’s have a funny way of popping out of nowhere).

 1 Peter 5:8 Be self-controlled an alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

On the other hand…

In knowing that something is bothering me, there is also something to be learned or gained. This means I have to put in the effort to figure out what it is. But sometimes I just want to run, busy myself with another commitment or project so I can put off the inevitable. When I have this sad bothered feeling I ask myself – Am I ready for this? Do I feel like figuring it out? Do I want to see what I have to go through next? Why can’t I just be happy and still grow? Why does pain often accompany growth? I even go as far as to think that if I delve into the matters of my heart, then God should reward me for it. Because I surely wouldn’t purposely put myself through having these sad bothered feelings. Or, I might. On my own terms in my own way. There I go again, trying to control everything.

1 Corinthians 11:28

But a man must examine himself, and in so doing he is to eat of the bread and drink of the cup.

Job 23:10

“But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

I know God doesn’t show me my character to rub all the ugly in my face. But He shows me my character so I am able to see and be refined so I can be used the way he has planned. Sometimes I wish I could just have that brand new attitude, that brand new confidence, that brand new security, that brand new everything and not have to put in the work to be unbothered. That’s probably what life was supposed to look like before the bite of the fruit in the garden.

Whether I want to admit it or not, coming from a worldly or a spiritual perspective, my self-awareness is not brand new. What I mean is, before and after saying “Jesus is Lord,” I have had and still have levels of an attitude, insecure yet I’m prideful, distrusting and trying to be in control, and could ignore the very feelings that make me feel like a mess if I don’t acknowledge them and what God is trying to show me. In other words, as humans, we all have a level of self-awareness and our response can embody confidence or insecurity for example. Whether we acknowledge or reject our state of being – we still made a choice. My choice now, is to understand why I’m bothered and feel like I’m unraveling. (It’s like when someone asks how you’re doing and the response is “I’m good,” or “I’m fine” knowing it isn’t the truth and allowing that lie to be normalcy)

Moving on….

I don’t stuff my feelings anymore (I think) but I most definitely still have the temptation to hide them; from myself, others, and God (as if that were possible) (Reference Hebrews 4:122-13- Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare…).

I need to get this out because if I don’t then I’m allowing all the hard things that I’ve grown in, in the past that has been used to soften my heart, to become undone and it’s not something I want to have to keep going through. But I am now, in a different way. I’ve learned that God doesn’t teach hard lessons once, especially when the love of his character is perfect and he wants us to be complete in him. He’s allowing me to unravel, so I am able to understand myself in a deeper way, and grow deeper in understanding vulnerability the way Jesus lived. God’s very grace and mercy is vulnerability. His wrath is perfect

Philippians 1:6

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

John 15:11

“These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.

And some more…

As I get older, life continues to get harder. It’s just what it is. My body is changing, my mind is changing, my heart is changing. The hardest part of it all is admitting that I have needs and desires I’m not sure where they came from. I feel so unworthy. As if my being- being made in his image- is so low that my purpose is unique and unworthy.

I appreciate God’s love so much to be faithful and having a plan for me.

I cried when I realized I have desires. That meant I had to be real and vulnerable enough with myself to admit they were there. Then I had to be vulnerable enough to ask if it was normal.

I appreciate God’s love so much to be faithful and having a plan for me.

At the end of all this…..I think I have a better idea of what’s wrong.

God wants me to trust him more. He’s given me the opportunity to know that I have more to give and that I do have something to offer.

God helps me to unravel. He makes me up.

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