Lesson Learned. But not really.
What I mean by not really is that I’ve learned enough about myself to know that I learn lessons through rebuking and repetition- Not in all cases- I’m not that stubborn-just flawed. I humbly say that I will not try purposely, but will fail again, and when I do…thank God that grace and mercy exists and do my best to be more cognizant.
So, I’m in the “I hate school I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy” phase. I’ve often said if the institution of school were a building, I’d burn it down and go to prison for arson. Yes, prison. It’s a big institution and I’d not only be messing with people’s education, but money. So I threw that thought out of the window- I’m not trying to go to jail for any reason.
I’m currently enrolled in a master’s program that is supposed to be a year and a half long. And somehow I’m in my third year. Life happens and has definitely happened. So here I am with one course left. That light people have been telling me is at the end of the tunnel, I was starting to see it, then I almost didn’t see it, and now it’s there.
I’ll clarify. Two weeks ago from yesterday I took a final exam worth 50% of my final grade. Ouch! Crazy! I know right! I was scared. I asked everybody and anybody to pray for me. I wanted to be freed to give of myself to God and his kingdom. I could start taking care of myself physically, and make necessary confrontations I couldn’t see doing with this weight on my shoulders; I would only be distracted.
I scored 68 out of 100. It was all multiple choice and scenario based which included analyzing graphs, calculating probabilities and percentages (we were not allowed to use calculators), and the like. It was difficult. That meant two weeks later I would have to take it again. Both scores would have to average a 70 and above to pass the course (83 is failing btw).
This second time around, I prayed and tried to freak out a little less. Yesterday I took Form B of the exam and scored an 80. My professor wasn’t happy about it. I was, it was better than a 68 and I passed the course by the grace of God. But I was still on edge because I had to wait for the final course grade. I tried to get my professor to do the math right there. She was on games and made it seem like I would have to wait forever. I saw my final grade that same night- 84.5.
Even though I prayed to God to let me pass so I can focus on his church, I was still freaking out waiting for that grade. I’ve felt frustrated, disconnected, and ready to quit if it didn’t happen this time. A sister reminded me that I needed to trust God. That whatever grade I got, God is in control and even if I thought my professor wanted me to fail (which I still think to an extent), that God has the power and cares about the details.
I was very appreciative for that. It’s what I needed to hear and it definitely calmed my heart. A few things I’ve learned-again: God’s way doesn’t wait for my exam to pass. Despite needing to have tough conversations, or acknowledging piled up bills, and picking up the phone to talk to my family, or taking care of myself physically, etc., at the end of the day if God came before the exam and I hadn’t acknowledged spiritual issues, that could have been it. It’s no joke when God says he’ll come like a thief in the night. I try my best to live with urgency knowing that, but I don’t like that I failed to do it this time.
I was stuck on wanting God to see things my way. I could feel my heart longing to feel more connected to him. I could read my bible and take notes, and pray all I want but I know God put people in my life for a reason. I knew why I felt the disconnect. Staying at home studying and shutting people out doesn’t allow me to serve others or be encouraged to continue the fight in any area. I prayed day and night for the day to come where I can just serve because I want to experience how great God is. I couldn’t do that always locking myself up because of school. I don’t want school to be my idol.
Lots of changes are happening in life, and at this point I can care less if I don’t work immediately in my field when this is all over. I just want to experience the goodness of God. I need to, especially with all these feelings going on. If I need to count on anything it would be God to help me eternally and not something else temporarily. (I will have to take a board exam anyway…which is still up in the air in my state if i’ll be certified or if licensure would be passed by then).