I never want to think I know it all. I never want to imagine living a life where I seek answers from only myself. I could only lead myself astray and give Satan a foothold he doesn’t deserve. It’s important at every chance to say to yes to God but also to remember to say no to Satan. Sometimes, we even need to say no to ourselves and say yes, why not me?
The following are questions I’ve asked, period. What is it that I have to offer? Why me? Why should I care about them? God, what more do you expect of me? Why do I keep having to learn the same lessons? What am I not getting? Why do I feel stuck? Why do you want me to trust you, again? Why did you let this happen? Why couldn’t you have showed me this way? When is this all going to stop? When will you just let me be so I can really trust you? How do I know if I’m happy? Is this going to be my life?
This is not how I’ve found the answers. I’ve looked around me and compared myself to others and their talents/gifts, their material possessions, their place in life, and personality traits that seem so lovable that I wanted some of their green grass (as if all those things were to be obtained by me and as if where I am is a mistake and isn’t God’s plan for me.) And at the same time I’ve prayed and asked God to help me be more like Jesus.
Here’s where I realized I was wrong. Jesus didn’t compare himself to the Pharisees, to Judas, to his disciples, the people who flogged him, nor the thieves on the cross. He didn’t say that the Pharisees get to live like this, or Judas betrayed me why should I still die for them or this world. He understood his mission and where he came from and the God he would soon be separated from, and what he didn’t want us to experience. When Jesus died on the cross, I’m going to assume Jesus attitude was that of, why not me?
Proverbs 3:28 – Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow- when you now have it with you.
All this year I’ve written at the top of all my quiet times “to be in awe of God, and gain God confidence.” Every time I opened my Bible to read and take notes, that is exactly what I wanted to come away with. I’ve had to ask myself many times after reading: how can I be in awe of God and how can this relate to me? God helped me to look into my past, present and future. Considering my past, things can be so much worse. If God treated me the way I deserve, I wouldn’t be here right now. He’s saved me from things I couldn’t possibly fathom or didn’t see coming. God’s calling is healing in itself. In the present, God protects my very being. Sometimes it takes thinking drastically, radically, because things can always be worse. I pass homeless people on the street and I don’t know if that could have been me. My heart is beating, my very breath ebbs and flows, my bones aren’t broken, my mind is in tact, I have vision, I am able bodied with a spirit that isn’t possessed, I drive my car anywhere and everywhere and I haven’t been harmed, I have fears that haven’t come true. There is a spiritual battle, and my powerful God called me to fight.
Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy.
What stopped me from fighting? I considered myself too highly to see all God has been trying to show me. I let my thoughts get to me and control my actions. I intellectualize God and have difficulty connecting emotionally. I struggle with confidence. Sometimes it’s easier to just think the worst about anything. I talk myself out of doing the right thing. I’m selfish. Sometimes I don’t want to trust God or anyone. I’ve justified the extent I would go to be obedient. I give into anger. I compare and give up. I fear the unknown. I blame others and point the finger. Sometimes I think the worst of myself. I put plan B first before God’s plan. I do what I want and ask God to forgive me. I fight, kick, and scream before facing the truth. I’ve looked at the bigger picture and ended it with me. I understood God’s word according to my knowledge. I like to be in control.
Too much of our life’s resources have been wasted on Satan. Personally, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. It blows my mind to see and even acknowledge the changes I see in me. These are the things Satan has tried to keep me from seeing.
I said there is a spiritual battle, and my powerful God has called me to fight.How can I say no? What if I always say no? What would my future without God be like?
2 Timothy 2:3
Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
So again, I ask, what do I have to offer?
My response is a God who gives the very meaning of life, the sustenance and maintenance of everything he’s ever created. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
Loving the world and God’s kingdom means being aware I have a cross to carry. I don’t get to put it down when it’s heavy or throw it away when I’m frustrated. It’s an honor to carry. I don’t get to point fingers at the next person to blame. I don’t get to compare myself and think about wanting the next persons life. I don’t get to look at what the next person is doing and justify my own actions. Instead of questioning God’s plan, I CHOOSE to declare Gods word in my life. My God doesn’t make mistakes. His word in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 9:20-21 But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? (great chapter to continue reading).
Depending on my mood I would wonder why I had to be the clay used for common use. Why couldn’t I be used for more noble purposes? Again, who am I to question God? It’s an honor to have been called by God. Whether noble or common use, why not me?
If I lived the very lives of those I compare myself to, would I be here right now, would I have been able to handle it? What if it were the other way around? Could those very people last a day in my shoes? Acts 17:26 from one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.
I’ve had a worldly life before committing to God and I have something now that I didn’t have before. I have the platform using God’s word and his mission to love and save people. This means in the present moment, I have every reason to give the way Jesus did.
Way’s I’ve tried doing this is:
- Listen to the Holy Spirit. Don’t sin against it and be disobedient.
- Challenge myself- if I hesitate or doubt then I have to do it. The hesitation and doubt for me comes from a place of uncertainty and fear. God gave me the ability now to give with what I have. And if it’s not there, I can work on his strength to build up my own.
- I purposely put myself in uncomfortable positions that I have to see through.
I haven’t regretted anything and my hope is that by doing these things, I can encourage and inspire others. I can say I still have a ways to go but definitely am in awe of God and have a God confidence I didn’t have before. It’s definitely faith growing. My heart lately has been: Be okay, to hope and desire in God. When I see what he’s been able to do, how can I not give more?